What a prude

Foreword: This post, like many others, was influenced by many journal-esque rants I have collected over the past several years. It encompasses many frustrations from an interesting time in my life.

It says something about the society in which we live when it is a testament to a man’s character and loyalty that he will spend time with me even though I won’t sleep with him. Even though I won’t sleep with him, as though I’m holding back something he deserves, something that is rightfully his because he tolerates me when I’m fully clothed.

It has occurred to me that people tend to assume that there is no logical reasoning behind my decision to keep my clothes on; that it’s  based on blind religious devotion and institutionalized guilt. Even as I explain my reasoning, my points are ignored, and the conversation is lodged yet again into the constant “religion thing” that people are so quick to turn to as explanation. Assuming momentarily that the religious influence is completely void of reason (although we’re all well aware what assuming can do), let’s just go ahead and push that aspect aside. Not that my spirituality isn’t of the highest import in my life, but since it is so frequently turned into an easy excuse to discredit me, I’ll just work without that and save it for another day. Everybody knows Christians are ignorant and illogical, but please give me the benefit of the doubt.

I also hear that society is to blame for me choosing to keep myself to myself. Because, of course, the media just screams “don’t have sex!!!” all the time. All the time, I’m told by my surroundings that sex is bad. People in my life, the music I listen to, the television I watch, the places I go, yes they all brainwash me to be abstinent. You caught me.

I’m being facetious.

There have also been times when self-righteous feminist brainwashing is to blame, because I am so totally in-your-face feminist all the time. Being facetious again.

The truth is, this decision to not have sex does not come from other people telling me what to do. Believe it or not, I am a woman capable of making my own decisions. Gasp. My decision to quit having sex came from my own analysis of my own experiences, and well if we don’t do that then we’d never learn anything. And please note that these are experiences, as in plural, and not some over dramatic reaction I’ve made thanks to one insignificant mishap.

So, basically there has been a common trend throughout my past several “relationships.” Once I look back on things, I notice that one common denominator of all the maliciousness seemed to stem at least in part from sex. Before you call me crazy for suggesting that sex can cause undesired outcomes, let me explain.

Once upon a time, I was in a relationship that had quickly and violently deteriorated. I was young, this was my first experience with love, and I didn’t want to let it go. Although the actual talk about love had been very blatantly banned, the “act” of making love was not (shocker). So, I used this “love making” thing to make myself believe that there was actually some sort of love there. Turns out there wasn’t, and that sex could actually be completely meaningless. Go figure, eh? So that’s the first one.

I’ve also had relationships in which sex has played that role the whole time: that gross, disgusting glue that holds an otherwise meaningless relationship intact. For some reason when we’re in horrible relationships, we don’t want them to end. Despite the bickering, raging hostility, and balls-out yelling matches, we tell ourselves this needs to work. And what do you do when you want to improve a loveless relationship? Spice things up in the bedroom, that’s what! So you do it more and everything’s all better…right? Well, I guess I’m weird because instead of making things better, it made things better for about 30 minutes, or sometimes even until the next morning. Imagine my dismay when I realize he’s still a selfish jerk as I’m making him pancakes.

Although sex acts as this tool of convenient denial for a lot of people at some point or another, it has in and of itself been the root of relationship problems on several occasions for me. It can be the start of goofy, relatively pointless arguments that only drive that spike of resentment even further into the crack splitting the lovers further and further away.

So yeah, that’s why I don’t have sex. It distracts from more important issues, it messes with your emotions, and it can be used to intentionally or unintentionally  mislead people. Not to mention AIDS. There’s no “God told me not to” or “My body, my rights” kind of deal going on. Just regular, well thought out thoughts.

I’ve given this advice to two or three people, quit having sex. I honestly believe (from experience) that it really narrows down what men actually have an interest in you as a person. It also forces you to acknowledge all the actually important aspects of the relationship, especially those you intentionally avoid. I don’t think anybody’s taken my advice yet, but maybe someday.

So the next time you feel like assuming you know why people do or say the things they do or say (or don’t do and say the things they don’t do and say), maybe you should ask them. And the next time you dump a girl because she won’t put out, well God’s really looking out for her because you’re a gross jerk, and whoever you end up marrying will probably be icky and mean.

Love you, bye!



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ephesians413
    Sep 07, 2011 @ 00:21:23

    Thank you for your honesty. I’m glad you learned a valuable lesson. Being a mom, I wish young people could learn this lesson before they have their hearts broken and possibly get some dreadful disease. However, your experience makes it real. Please keep talking to young people. I think that Hollywood sends them such a wrong message. In all of the movies, the main female character always jumps into bed with the guy and it looks all so romantic. Your last three paragraphs said it best. You really said it well. I hope that young people listen to you.


  2. M. Postur
    Sep 07, 2011 @ 02:39:47

    I’m a man and I applaud your decision. Fight the good fight.


  3. Cass
    Sep 07, 2011 @ 04:00:46

    I remember one time a few years back when I had met a guy I liked. We ended up “watching a movie” at his place and when he reached to unbutton my pants I stopped him. He was in shock and asked “Really, why not?” I looked at him dumbfounded and said “Frankly, I don’t know you well enough.” I didn’t talk to him again after that night.

    I greatly respect your decision not to have sex. You have made a wise choice based on your experiences that has since served you well. I always lecture my friends to be careful about their sexual decisions. I believe no matter what your reasons to have or not to have sex, you should make your decisions based on what is best for you and not anyone else. Most importantly, you need to love yourself first and make sure that your reasons to have sex are based on a real desire to do so. I see too many people make the decision to have sex because they are trying to fill some other void. It may be in an effort to save a relationship, or it may be because they desperately want attention or love.

    Anyway, just my thoughts. I think your choice is great, but I also respect an individual’s decision to get physical needs met in a healthy manner. Whatever the decision, it is very personal and should be thought through.


  4. rockomnibus
    Sep 10, 2011 @ 17:24:47

    Nice thoughts, Andrea. I’ve started to realize that relatively attractive girls are cursed with having to filter through those who are fond of them for superficial reasons, in order to find those who really appreciate them for who they are beneath the surface. This is unfortunate, because they often don’t make the effort to recognize the difference, thus settling for superficial relationships. There also seems to be a stereotype that one’s looks are inversely proportional to their mental acuity, which could further complicate the situation. So, kudos to you on your sifting endeavor. It can be interesting how people’s motives come out when the rules change a little.

    When I see personal ads listing what men are looking for in a companion, and the primary focus is on height, weight, hair color, and other physical attributes, it makes me wonder if they’re looking for a real person or a trophy.


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